Let's seek to build others up

“If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I am not interested in or open to your feedback.” – Brene’ Brown

After speaking this past week to a mom who’s daughter is battling addiction, I feel God placed on my heart to share my thoughts with anyone who may need it.

When you have a child who is struggling with addiction (or anything that is harming them, really), the guilt as a parent can be overwhelming. And if the unimaginable has happened … you’ve lost your child to this stronghold, the self-blame, guilt, and pain can be absolutely suffocating.

You find yourself replaying every moment in your mind. Every word spoken or not spoken. Every action taken or not taken, wondering what you missed. Wondering what you could have done differently to save the life of your child.

A parent is meant to protect their child, so it’s easy to carry the crushing weight of his or her addiction and especially their death.

As I was speaking with this woman, she shared that not only was she dealing with her own self-blame over her daughter’s addiction, but also the judgment some family members and friends were passive-aggressively spewing. Not in an outright “it’s your fault” kind of way, but in the little comments here and there and in the conversations between each other that ultimately made their way back to her.

This woman is already carrying the weight of unimaginable guilt and grief … and now she’s dealing with THAT nonsense!

And the sad part is, she isn’t the only one. I’ve spoken to so many parents during our journey with Caroline, and this is a very common experience. And surprisingly, much of the judgment even comes from Christians and the church. How disheartening is that?.

Y’all, as a mother who has been there, this infuriates me. Not for me personally, but for my friend and for others like her who do not yet have the peace and confidence that comes from years of walking with and trusting God. There is no doubt that many of my own family and friends have had their opinions too, I know that. The difference is, I DON’T CARE what people think who have not lived one day in my life or walked two feet in my shoes.

So to all the mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends out there dealing with your own battles …

Healing your loved one is not and was never a burden you were meant to carry, and you weren’t trained in it.

Allow God’s grace to show you that you are already forgiven for all the things you think you could have done differently. The “could haves,” “should haves,” and “would haves”. … we all have them. But they no longer need to weigh you down. Jesus’ death on the cross has already covered all of that. I pray that you have the same grace for yourself that Jesus has for you.

And here’s another truth I want you to understand.

God gave every one of us free will. No matter how much you love someone, pray for them, or try to help or heal them, your words and actions cannot override their free will or the choices THEY make.

ALSO, stop caring about the people who judge you! People are humans and humans are flawed.

There will always be people, (even those close to you), who can’t help but criticize, judge, and talk about what they would do if they were in your situation. But here’s the thing, they’re not in your situation!!! SO THEY DON’T KNOW!!!!

And to those who may be judging … shame on you.

Unless you’ve had your ass kicked by addiction, keep your judgement and opinions about what you would have done or would be doing differently to yourself … this careless chatter is revealing more about your character than you realize and it’s revealing to your family member or friend that you care more about judging them than you do about the pain they are living through.

My final thoughts:

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Caroline. I will miss her until my very last breath.

But I am choosing, CHOOSING to live every day with joy and peace, trusting God to direct my every step. I encourage all my family in the world of addiction to do the same. God loves you and He is so proud of you for fighting this battle and doing the best you know to do. But He only wants you to listen to HIS voice and to quiet all the voices from those who have no idea what you’re going through.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson