Is it possible to be joined in Holy Matrimony and still enjoy your independence?
Absolutely!
In my opinion, it’s imperative that a husband and wife have a life independent of each other in order to have a successful marriage. Spending every minute with your spouse and expecting them to be your everything isn’t healthy. You need to have an identity outside of being ______’s wife or ______ ‘s husband.
After being married for over 26 years, I’ve come to realize that I am a much better wife, mother, and person when I invest time in myself and have interests that don’t always include my husband or children.
Friendships – Spending time with other couples is great, and we definitely need that, but we also need our own friendships that are separate from our married/couple friendships. This allows us the freedom to be who we are as an individual and not just a spouse.
And let’s face it, sometimes our spouse just doesn’t “get us”, nor do we completely get them. My husband has interests that I care absolutely NOTHING about and I am incredibly thankful that he has friends who he can share those interest with. The same is true for me, I have no doubt that he thanks God daily that he isn’t the only one who has to hear about the woes of menopause and listen to me ramble on and on about all my thoughts on life’s unanswered questions.
We all need at least one friend, other than our spouse, who we can relate to, let our hair down with and be free to talk about whatever is on our mind.
Time alone – I know there are many who can’t stand silence or the thought of being alone, but for me, having time to myself is crucial to my well being. Being alone gives my brain a reboot. It gives me time to process what is going on in my world and it allows me to slow down and think calmly and rationally without distraction.
One of my favorite things to do is have a “self- date”.
I am very fortunate that my husband sometimes works evenings and I have the house to myself. On nights when I know this will be the case, I plan a date with myself. I start a fire or light candles, turn on my favorite play list, open a bottle of wine, and simply relax.
And I have to tell ya … these dates are divine! DIVINE!
Maybe I’ll share the details in another article, but that’s for another topic.
I’ve learned to really enjoy my own company. Do you? If not, then maybe you should spend some time alone and think about why.
It’s okay to enjoy different hobbies – My husband and I could not be more different when it comes to THIS. Our interests differ from one extreme to the other, and that’s okay.
If your husband enjoys playing golf, going hunting or coin collecting, give him the freedom to do those things without you. (unless you enjoy them as well) And if she enjoys crafting, painting, or shopping for antiques, let her do the same.
There is no need to get jealous over time spent away from each other. You both need to do things that give you peace and calm your soul in a world that’s go, go, go.
Side note … Even though your spouses’ hobby may not be something you are interested in, you should, however, be respectful and show interest if he/she wants to share their excitement with you.
Respecting privacy – Another important thing I’ve learned over the years is the importance of privacy and respecting my spouses’ privacy. Michael and I each have our own smart phone, computer, and private bag/wallet, and we NEVER go into the others without permission.
I’m sure many relationship councilors would disagree and say that we are “as one” and nothing should ever be kept private, but I wholeheartedly disagree! Having a “space” so to speak that is ours and ours alone is very important; probably more so to me than my husband, but nevertheless, he still respects my wishes.
I’m not saying that it’s okay to live completely separate lives. Obviously spending quality time together as husband and wife is important in a healthy marriage.
I’m just saying it’s okay to do your on thing once and a while.
After being together for over 30 years, my husband and I have settled into a rhythm that seems to work for us. We may go for days, where he does his thing and I do my thing, but then inevitably, we come together and we do OUR thing … It just works.
We’ve all heard the saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.
I think it’s true. Spending time doing things separate from our spouse makes the times when we do come together more special and helps us appreciate the unique relationship that we have with each other so much more.